Waiting To Exhale: The Danger in Settling
We accept the love we think we deserve.
“If he pulls your hair it’s because he likes you.”
“He’s being mean because he has a crush on you.”
It’s the language we have heard as children and teenagers, excusing bad behavior and interpreting it into something that it clearly isn’t. Over years, decades even, these little quips people have told us have turned into different sayings that still stem from the same toxic mindset; men act in certain ways and us as women must deal with it.
I had never understood the quote, “That is a good man, Savannah” before watching Waiting to Exhale. After watching the movie, I can contest that he was indeed NOT a good man.
There is the confusion that a good man entails a man who will act in disrespectful ways. Is a good child one that talks back, hurts other people, cheats, lies, or steals? No, they aren’t. So, why are we equating bad behavior for a “good man”. I am grateful to have seen this movie at my almost 30 year old self. Because, I can decipher the good and bad, and what we should and shouldn’t settle for in a relationship.
Robin
First point, no woman should settle in a relationship. Robin had settled for poor behavior from men. She settled with the first man mentioned, Michael. Robin decided to be intimate with him and it’s very obvious in the scene that he doesn’t meet her needs in bed. However, he said the right things that sent her reeling. Which is dangerous on all accounts. It sets up unrealistic expectations and settling for less than. Physical intimacy is just as important as someone meeting your emotional and mental needs. If two people don’t align in the bedroom, things can get tangled really quick (and I don’t mean the bed sheets). Ultimately, she fired him from his job, which made me wonder how powerful this woman was at work. Also, I can see how her position at work could constitute with the decisions she made. Within the Black community, highly educated Black women are even less likely to find a suitable partner, because of various reasons that men and society continue to berate Black women for. Then, when that situation (because I wouldn’t even call it a relationship) ended, she went back to a previous relationship. With her tail between her legs, Robin sucked in another man she settled for. In this case, he was married. She kept deluding herself into believing he would leave his wife and that “you can’t hold a few mistakes against someone for the rest of their life”. This can be true and untrue based on her current situation. It’s true, because if a person learns from their mistakes, then things within the relationship can change. However, with this man, it has not changed. He was still married and bread crumbing her.
Savannah
“He’s a good man, Savannah.”
Generational settling should be a dictionary word, because based off of Savannah’s interaction with her mother, that’s exactly what they did. Now, there’s no information regarding Savannah’s biological father, but I can imply that it’s possible her father left her mother. And yet, her mother believes it was her fault. The fact that her own mother would want her to steal another woman’s man away is purely diabolical. Whether they had a relationship before, it does not matter. It made me think that could be how Savannah’s mother got her father. And then, ended up getting cheated on and therefore left. Again, this is speculation, but as someone with critical thinking skills, I can get a gist of what could have occurred. I won’t rehash the first situation Savannah had, because it was clear she was settling for someone else because the person she truly wanted got away. That is none other than our Allstate man! Savannah settled for second place when she couldn’t have first all because of first love or something like that. The rush of the first love is undeniable, but there comes a time when a person needs to reflect and understand what happened, accept it, and move forward. These women didn’t need men, they needed therapy. Savannah settled with that role in that man’s life (I don’t recall his name and I don’t feel like looking). The thought of wrecking a man’s home, but also clearly seeing that he wasn’t a good guy at all should be obvious signs to stay away. If he can do what he’s doing to his wife, he can do that to you too.
Bernadine
Bernadine doesn’t fit this perspective, but she does bring up moments of settling. She may not have settled for a man that does not meet her expectations or needs, but she did indeed settle for a life that she did not want. Bernadine wanted to start a business! If you listen to Angela Bassett during the wardrobe scene, it’s mentioned that her husband told her not to start her business yet, and that it wasn’t a good time. She settled into a role behind him, because he controlled the situation. Bernadine allowed him to take full control and put her wants and needs on the back burner, even giving him kids, which could further delay her goals. That’s not to say that she didn’t want kids, but having children is a huge adjustment. Could have Bernadine done both? Possibly, but that opportunity was hung up and left to dry like a piece cloth that slowly starts to grow mold. It was neglected, but she kept her head high and did what any woman would do in that situation—she supported her husband and took on her role as a wife and a mother. For 11 years, she allowed him to control their lives, even putting their children in private school. That’s not to say that private school is a negative thing, but the lack of diversity can mess with a child‘s mind and social experiences. We don’t know if those children were ever bullied, but I wouldn’t put it past her husband to ignore their cries. Bernadine does spiral like any woman would do, but her decision to be intimate with a married man is where she had me messed up. I understand getting back out there, after being left by your significant other, but no one told you to mess with a married man. She didn’t settle in this situation, I think she was craving attention and the basketball player (I think it was basketball) was the first person to give it to her. Notice how after that brief interaction, she didn’t go for anyone else. There was the obvious connection with the civil rights lawyer, but it did not get physical.
Gloria
Gloria never did settle, but she did fight her heart on what was obviously brewing between her and her neighbor. Gloria and her ex-husband divorced some time ago, and it comes out that he’s gay (well he was bi and is now gay). I think Gloria thought it was possible for them to get back together, but he shut that down. With her emotions all over the place and the thought of her son (Donald Faison) leaving for Spain wrecked her heart. Over time, she started to realize that she had to let him go, with the help of the neighbor.
What this means for Black women, is that there should be standards you have and stick with them. Even when the loneliness tries to suffocate you, keep strong. A man with bad morals can have you compromising yourself, in order to get the bare minimum from them. No man or woman is worth a headache. Even with all of the self help books and courses, there are people who can manipulate you into believing that they are good people. Settling and identifying key factors is not black and white. I hope, as a Black woman, that we can use our discernment, maintain our standards and expectations, and not be persuaded by factors that make us uncomfortable. If you don’t feel comfortable with certain behaviors or words, LEAVE. Don’t turn back because part of it felt good. If all of it doesn’t feel good, then it’s not for you.